muddling love

I was in love with you. I was gonna tell you that as an explanation for my behavior but it never did ever seem like it was appropriate. And heck, it probably wasn't even true. It certainly isn't very true now, considering how it ended and everything. I don't want to apologize, but I feel like telling you I love you which is why I got so muddled when I thought I saw you making out with some other girl--well, I feel like that explains everything I did. I know it doesn't. But I wish it could. And anyway, I don't even know what I thought I liked about you in the first place. I knew you weren't attractive. Empirical data told me that. Also, don't really think I like boys all that much, but you know, I guess if you weren't attractive for a boy you'd be attractive enough for me. I didn't really like your voice, neither. I liked your name good enough though. I don't know why exactly. I think maybe cause it sounds like a girl's name. Or maybe because it's the name of a minor Star Wars character and so is mine. But it's not like you'd ever seen a Star Wars film before and it's not like we'd get married and have a Star Wars themed reception. Shoot though, that'd be a lot of fun. But you'd never seen Star Wars so why the heck did I like you in the first place? I can't even reckon. I met a guy once who loved Star Wars and had the name of a Jedi Prince in the books they write for little kids that I read when I was nine years old because I kind of only got onto the scene when I was eight and they were re-releasing all the old ones. His name was Kyle. He was doing something with his life and he was attractive and I liked the way he talked. I could listen to him for hours. I should've. Maybe then we'd realize that this was meant to be or something. I don't know. No one in the original Star Wars history felt love at first sight, so I guess I shouldn't have expected that to happen in the real world. But Kyle? That wasn't love if only because I didn't know how to love back then with all these people yelling at me and I didn't know who to trust or why anyone would ever want to trust me and I kept dreaming about perfection but I knew that someday I'd know that that's not love and sure enough, one day I was driving home and I kept thinking to myself, I think I'm in love with you, but I've got to make sure I'm sure this time. How the heck would I even know? Hah, but I thought I could figure it out to my very own satisfaction so I gave it a try. Better safe than sorry, right? Because the last guy I said I love you to ended up thinking I really was in love with him. And yea, sure I was, and still am. But it's not that kind of love. It's the I-like-the-fact-that-you're-happy-because-I-was-always-kinda-worried-about-you-but-as-long-as-you're-with-some-girl-you-love-than-I'm-happy-for-you-and-always-will-be-and-I-don't-want-this-to-get-anymore-complicated-because-I-like-smiling-when-I-think-of-you-and-not-feeling-like-I'm-getting-too-much-in-the-way. I don't know. I don't deserve the nicest guy. Or any guy probably. Maybe I don't deserve nobody, and I should stop all this business of trying to figure out what love is. I won't know much better than I knew with you, right? The way I loved you, well shoot, it would have confused you too much I guess. So it's good I got all muddled up and it's for the best that I can go on and forget you now and you'll never know any of this. Except I probably won't forget you. I reckon I never will, but at least now I can know that it ended because you made it that way, and not because I told you I loved you and you never knew some fresh young kid could have decided so decidedly that she could look past all your antisocial behavior and come to the conclusion that it wasn't just affection or attraction or mutual mild interest. It was love. And it was pretty refined. Heck, every time this happens I'm always surprised. It would have surprised you too. But not in a good way, probably. It never does. No one ever wants to know that someone they only kind of liked was in love with them, or so I reckon. Well, I don't really know. I never asked nobody. I was always too scared. But I was almost not too scared with you. I got really close. Once I thought I said it when we were in the same room watching the TV, but you probably weren't paying attention then, just like you weren't paying attention to me when I left. Yea. I didn't ever know what I saw in you. But maybe, someday, maybe at my wedding, I'll have too much champagne or whatever fancy drink they give to get the bride and groom so gone that their wedding night leads to a wedding hangover, and I'll tell you I was in love with you once. It'll be a mistake. I'll hate myself for saying it. You'll hate yourself for hearing it. But in the end, I'll have won the love of someone else finally, probably. And we'll be having a Star Wars themed reception, big and fancy and I'll be happy wearing a dress like Padme's in the end of Episode I. I'll be happy then. And you'll be married, too, probably. I don't want to know to whom, but I'm sure she'll be almost as pretty as me and that's mature of myself for wishing you the best even after all you put me through. Yea, that's about all I wanted to say, and maybe one day you'll read this all and cringe but I hope you laugh. I don't know. We were all a little crazy that's for sure. But yea, so thanks for muddling me.