There's something about Kings of Leon that makes you feel okay about feeling sad...
I'm going to stay in this mood until I pass out from the Unisom.
Or I'm going to jump ship when I change to another artist. (whazzzup trey songz?)
I don't like listening to sad music because there's so much uncertainty in emotions other than pure joy.
I'm going to go to sleep now.
Unisom is stronger than Benadryl.
I don't have a facebook anymore.
I'm tired.
love love love love love love love love love, love love love love, love love, love...
radioactive is a good song. a really good song. elora doesn't like the feelings she's feeling right now. but she respects and appreciates them...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Logical Lover
The other day I was probably doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing at that specific point in time. Unfortunately, I can't remember when this moment may have occured, and I can't be entirely sure that such a thing ever happened ever. I lose myself a lot. It's kind of like blacking out. Except you know you're conscious the entire time. But you're just not... there. I always imagined that this would happen for a brief couple of years after college when I just bummed around doing various sorts of low grade drugs. But it's happening right now and I don't know what to do! Where am I? What am I doing? Is this early-early-early-early-onset Alzheimer's? Is it senioritis? Is it seasonal affectiveness disorder? Is it the diabetes? The drugs? The depression? The lack of love? The lack of music? The lack of motivation? I don't know. I really can't tell. I want to be here right now. But I can't because everything just keeps on happening. Time keeps on slipping, and it's creepy as fuck. I don't know what I can do to remedy this. The harder I think about it, the more I get lost. So I guess I can only really ask you to help me do one thing, if you wouldn't mind too terribly much? Could you just... you know...
think about it?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
THIS IS WHY I IMBIBE: I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC PT. 1
you want to kill yourself? I did. But wait! There's alcohol. Alcohol puts everything in perspective. YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! You are one person. And everything that's happened to you has happened to at least one other person in the history of humanity. So cheer up! Ironic that you thought you were too forward and the two guys you had your sights on now have girlfriends? NO! That has had to have happened before! So cheer up! Because in the ancient times, the woman in your situation ended up with a King. Does that not cheer you up? That down the line there will be a man who is not only attractive (one of those guys), but also strangely similar to you in likes and dislikes (the other of those guys), and you will consummate the most amazing coupling ever witnessed in the area code of "847."
Yes indeed. Alcohol allows you to widen your perspective; to understand that even those things that seem unlikely are, nonetheless possible. If you doubt this: don't. I am drunk in this current moment. Just a few second ago I began to hiccup, and I began to feel bile building in my esophagus. But I never once doubted the wisdom of my words, because alcohol is the all-knowing substance that conquers all. I know people who prefer the equally agreeable cannabis to simple alcohol. Although I have only been "high" once, I must counter that I have never felt so logical and happy as I feel know. Alcohol is truly great, and potentially, the builder of civilization. Agriculture, that promoted civilization, and the creation of population-dense cities, may have been spurred by wo/mankind's need for staple crops that had the potential to create alcohol, such as wheat and barley.
Nevertheless, I digress. Key points: My heart has been broken. I realize now that I will never, in this year, be able to have the people, although there are only two, that I want. My dreams have been crushed, for I realize now that although I have been accepted into the medical school of my choice, I am still worried about what I will achieve in my remaining year at Colgate University, the school that has grown on me tremendously.
Life is a depressing gamble. You set your sights too low and you die accomplishing nothing. Set your sights too high and you die achieving few of your goals. But what is death? Today my pet turtle died, and I screamed and bawled and writhed on my kitchen floor, cursing my ineptitude. But s/he was dead, and there was nothing I could do. Death is but an end point. And as a rather intelligent fellow once told me, although I now hate his guts for leaving... "Life isn't great, but it's all we have", so I must acknowledge that I won't be able to achieve everything I've ever dreamed of.
But God, if you exist, or ELORA! I know you exist, and I know you can be strong when the need arises, PLEASE! Achieve the few goals that you care about. Today, one of your closest friends remarked that you cared primarily of "education" and "public health." Achieve your goals in these and you can forget that some many years ago you were humiliated and crushed when not one, but two individuals who you thought highly of for their attractiveness and similarities in world views decided to get girlfriends because you failed at likely the most important aspect of the three categories that governs Love, proximity: of proximity, similarity, and physical attractiveness.
God Bless You, elora apantaku. I wish you nothing but the best.
(dear audience, I am royally smashed, so goodnight to y'all).
"If you're ever suicidal,
don't forget to dial,
411 so they can prescribe'
some good vodka in a bottle!"
Yes indeed. Alcohol allows you to widen your perspective; to understand that even those things that seem unlikely are, nonetheless possible. If you doubt this: don't. I am drunk in this current moment. Just a few second ago I began to hiccup, and I began to feel bile building in my esophagus. But I never once doubted the wisdom of my words, because alcohol is the all-knowing substance that conquers all. I know people who prefer the equally agreeable cannabis to simple alcohol. Although I have only been "high" once, I must counter that I have never felt so logical and happy as I feel know. Alcohol is truly great, and potentially, the builder of civilization. Agriculture, that promoted civilization, and the creation of population-dense cities, may have been spurred by wo/mankind's need for staple crops that had the potential to create alcohol, such as wheat and barley.
Nevertheless, I digress. Key points: My heart has been broken. I realize now that I will never, in this year, be able to have the people, although there are only two, that I want. My dreams have been crushed, for I realize now that although I have been accepted into the medical school of my choice, I am still worried about what I will achieve in my remaining year at Colgate University, the school that has grown on me tremendously.
Life is a depressing gamble. You set your sights too low and you die accomplishing nothing. Set your sights too high and you die achieving few of your goals. But what is death? Today my pet turtle died, and I screamed and bawled and writhed on my kitchen floor, cursing my ineptitude. But s/he was dead, and there was nothing I could do. Death is but an end point. And as a rather intelligent fellow once told me, although I now hate his guts for leaving... "Life isn't great, but it's all we have", so I must acknowledge that I won't be able to achieve everything I've ever dreamed of.
But God, if you exist, or ELORA! I know you exist, and I know you can be strong when the need arises, PLEASE! Achieve the few goals that you care about. Today, one of your closest friends remarked that you cared primarily of "education" and "public health." Achieve your goals in these and you can forget that some many years ago you were humiliated and crushed when not one, but two individuals who you thought highly of for their attractiveness and similarities in world views decided to get girlfriends because you failed at likely the most important aspect of the three categories that governs Love, proximity: of proximity, similarity, and physical attractiveness.
God Bless You, elora apantaku. I wish you nothing but the best.
(dear audience, I am royally smashed, so goodnight to y'all).
"If you're ever suicidal,
don't forget to dial,
411 so they can prescribe'
some good vodka in a bottle!"
Friday, October 08, 2010
Alphabet Novel
A. A quick lesson in history: Rome was built in a day and God doesn't like the Danish.
B. "Because you went to see her, I missed picking up my laundry, and now I have nothing to wear tonight," she had said, thinking it would sound logical, even though I knew she only thought that because she was on the verge of a rage black-out and like her laundry, lost at the laundromat, had lost her critical thinking skills.
C. The child was standing by the side of the road, holding a stuffed animal--a giraffe to be specific.
D. Don't ever go to Safeway at night.
E. Every morning she went down to the little lake in their backyard, a pond really, and waded in to her knees or until the seaweed and pond scum started to curl around her ankles.
F. "Forget you and fuck this town." I hadn't seen him since.
G. George was an amiable character; at least that was what his wife wanted us to think, even though I knew he was an adulterer, a floozy, a cheapskate--a caricature of a charlatan.
H. He wanted very much, badly, to crash his fist into the pastel blue drywall, but last time that had happened, he had created a jagged hole and his mom had been very much, badly, displeased.
I. "I'm going to go off on a tangent now. I hope you don't mind...," was the first thing she had said when I walked into the room, and twenty minutes later she was still talking and I was still just nodding my head.
J. Just in case you decide you wanted to do something else with your life, I have some bad news for you: You're going to fail.
K. Katherine wanted pizza but everyone else in her circle of "friends" wanted Starbucks. She was now quiet but enraged, pondering the individual values of enjoying Sal's Pizzeria and loneliness or drinking coffee with contempt.
L. "Lose the shirt." She was always telling me what to wear, and I always listened. Until one day I decided, fuck it, I'm fourteen-years-old and I like the purple skinny jeans.
M. More than anything else in the entire world, Maria wanted to see the entire world disappear.
N. Nobody ever wanted to be "that kid"; however, Walt was now that kid, and he was skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk like a skier over moguls.
O. On clear nights, they said, you could see shooting stars. But they were lying so that people with stubborn dreams would take the time to go outside instead of sitting on their couches, watching late-night comedy shows. You couldn't see anything up there anymore. Light pollution, you know? There were no more stars for us.
P. "Personally, I never liked her," she had said but I knew that wasn't true and I knew that if she was older, more confident, and not such a fucking hypocrite she would've been able to tell everyone the truth. She was in love with Eva, but she couldn't be a lesbian, god forbid.
Q. "Queer as this may sound, I actually enjoy The Shins." I wanted to slap him, as punishment for his "queer" diction.
R. Rum should rarely be mixed with tequila--I learned that in a sloppy fashion one year and two months and one week ago.
S. She couldn't wait--she wouldn't be served, and Sheryl knew this but had come to the diner anyway, kind of sort of hoping to see the cute kid who was apparently fond of cappucinos, but more importantly, to symbolically say "fuck you" to her study group that would be meeting right about now.
T. The lights--the music--the tacky, bedazzled jean jackets--this was not the way my life was supposed to end up.
U. Ultraviolet would be the way he would describe her hair. He knew it didn't make sense--you can't see ultraviolet and you could see her hair, but yeah... you know.
V. "Very few people pass. In fact, so few people pass, we don't actually have a protocol for what to do now."
W. "Way down upon the Swanee River" is the song I always sing in my head when I go to visit the house where my cousin once lived before he jumped off a bridge into a lake to kill himself. I do not think that's an example of irony.
X. Xenophobic, cunt-licking bastards. Where was Reverend Jesse fucking Jackson when you needed him?
Y. "If you went there, you'd probably never make it back," she had said, with a squint in her right eye that he often mistook as a subtle, sexual advance, but as she popped her chewing gum he snapped out of it and remembered that Michelle must've been the dumbest bitch he knew.
Z. Zoos are not as safe as they say. If you spent more time in Zoos, you'd know that.
B. "Because you went to see her, I missed picking up my laundry, and now I have nothing to wear tonight," she had said, thinking it would sound logical, even though I knew she only thought that because she was on the verge of a rage black-out and like her laundry, lost at the laundromat, had lost her critical thinking skills.
C. The child was standing by the side of the road, holding a stuffed animal--a giraffe to be specific.
D. Don't ever go to Safeway at night.
E. Every morning she went down to the little lake in their backyard, a pond really, and waded in to her knees or until the seaweed and pond scum started to curl around her ankles.
F. "Forget you and fuck this town." I hadn't seen him since.
G. George was an amiable character; at least that was what his wife wanted us to think, even though I knew he was an adulterer, a floozy, a cheapskate--a caricature of a charlatan.
H. He wanted very much, badly, to crash his fist into the pastel blue drywall, but last time that had happened, he had created a jagged hole and his mom had been very much, badly, displeased.
I. "I'm going to go off on a tangent now. I hope you don't mind...," was the first thing she had said when I walked into the room, and twenty minutes later she was still talking and I was still just nodding my head.
J. Just in case you decide you wanted to do something else with your life, I have some bad news for you: You're going to fail.
K. Katherine wanted pizza but everyone else in her circle of "friends" wanted Starbucks. She was now quiet but enraged, pondering the individual values of enjoying Sal's Pizzeria and loneliness or drinking coffee with contempt.
L. "Lose the shirt." She was always telling me what to wear, and I always listened. Until one day I decided, fuck it, I'm fourteen-years-old and I like the purple skinny jeans.
M. More than anything else in the entire world, Maria wanted to see the entire world disappear.
N. Nobody ever wanted to be "that kid"; however, Walt was now that kid, and he was skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk like a skier over moguls.
O. On clear nights, they said, you could see shooting stars. But they were lying so that people with stubborn dreams would take the time to go outside instead of sitting on their couches, watching late-night comedy shows. You couldn't see anything up there anymore. Light pollution, you know? There were no more stars for us.
P. "Personally, I never liked her," she had said but I knew that wasn't true and I knew that if she was older, more confident, and not such a fucking hypocrite she would've been able to tell everyone the truth. She was in love with Eva, but she couldn't be a lesbian, god forbid.
Q. "Queer as this may sound, I actually enjoy The Shins." I wanted to slap him, as punishment for his "queer" diction.
R. Rum should rarely be mixed with tequila--I learned that in a sloppy fashion one year and two months and one week ago.
S. She couldn't wait--she wouldn't be served, and Sheryl knew this but had come to the diner anyway, kind of sort of hoping to see the cute kid who was apparently fond of cappucinos, but more importantly, to symbolically say "fuck you" to her study group that would be meeting right about now.
T. The lights--the music--the tacky, bedazzled jean jackets--this was not the way my life was supposed to end up.
U. Ultraviolet would be the way he would describe her hair. He knew it didn't make sense--you can't see ultraviolet and you could see her hair, but yeah... you know.
V. "Very few people pass. In fact, so few people pass, we don't actually have a protocol for what to do now."
W. "Way down upon the Swanee River" is the song I always sing in my head when I go to visit the house where my cousin once lived before he jumped off a bridge into a lake to kill himself. I do not think that's an example of irony.
X. Xenophobic, cunt-licking bastards. Where was Reverend Jesse fucking Jackson when you needed him?
Y. "If you went there, you'd probably never make it back," she had said, with a squint in her right eye that he often mistook as a subtle, sexual advance, but as she popped her chewing gum he snapped out of it and remembered that Michelle must've been the dumbest bitch he knew.
Z. Zoos are not as safe as they say. If you spent more time in Zoos, you'd know that.
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