bisexual

I'm pretty confused pretty much all the time. Orientation for medical school started two days ago, and I'm kind of lost all the time. Administrative stuff, identity stuff, whatever the heck a "payback" is, seriously... I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, who I'm supposed to be paying, and how in debt I will be in four years (complicating this matter is that my tuition is severely reduced--both GREAT but awkward, because I don't know any details about my money situation except that my parents are taking care of most everything for my first two years and I still have yet to have a credit card (I've accrued $5,000+ on my debit card which will take care of silly expenses but won't buy me a frickin' house) or develop an understanding of the real world in a financial sense).

But besides money, I'm also kind of confused about who I am. Which is why I'm so glad this blog exists. It clearly only exists for myself. This is not publishable material. But it helps me remember who I am, although knowing yourself is kind of impossible, especially when you change your mind all the time.

Anyway, identity issues. So, I'm really happy that there appears to be some diversity in people's motives. Even one person kind of got close to my own feelings towards becoming a doctor when she said (paraphrase): both of my parents are physicians but I never really wanted to become one because I saw the hell they went through, but eventually, and rather late to the game, I realized that becoming a doctor was the only true calling I had. And so I started applying to medical schools.

Okay, GREAT! I only decided I wanted to be a physician my junior year of college. Both of my parents are surgeons, and I definitely do NOT want to do that.

But there's more to my identity as well. I kind of want to say one of the biggest reasons I want to become a doctor is because I have such an interesting background. It appears that whenever I start at a new institution I revert to a simplified way of describing myself. As a freshmen, I used to go introducing myself as such:

I'm a biracial
bisexual individual
who likes riding bikes.

Now:

I'm still sure I'm biracial,
and I'm definitely bisexual,
I like riding bicycles,
and I'm mildly bipolar.

But furthermore, I was thinking about how weird it is for woman to be lesbians (horrible segue, just go with it). There are quite a few gay men in my class, and I know of at least one person working at my medical school who is gay. But a lesbian? IDK. I'm still really confused as to whether I'm straight or not, and I can't help but wonder what would happen if I wasn't exposed to cultural information... would I just naturally be attracted to women? I know that I usually imagine myself marrying a man... but I don't actually want to have sex with a dude, and herein lies the problem. If I'm more sexually attracted to women (and to qualify: I simply don't know for sure because I've always been a little more asexual than sexual) but want to marry a man, is there something wrong with me?

 And then I was thinking about the stories I've heard from lesbians and gay men. It seems that gay men know there gay pretty early on. I have a feeling this is because being female is a more neutral position. Being a man, you are required to act manly. In fact, men who act like women are much more accosted than women who act like men. This is why tomboy is an affectionate term, whereas janegirl is a term no one ever uses. Lesbians, though... it takes them a while. Do you really have to be over the age of 15 to know whether or not you want a man or a woman? And if so, why am I still really confused... I'm 22! I really want to figure this out, not just for myself, but maybe even for future patients. Sexual identity continues to be the most confusing of all my identities, even though every facet of my personality is incredibly nuanced.

And I guess the only reason this bothers me is because I don't think people respect bisexuals. I want to say I'm one thing of the other... but it's so impossible for me to know for sure. It's literally impossible for me to tell if I am both right now, so I guess it's possible I will always be a Q, the most disrespected and least important letter in:

LGBTQ