Hate:

Why am I worried that my kids won't fit in at school when I don't actually have kids yet? Why do I fear the assassination of Obama more than I ever even thought about the possible assassination of Bush?

Miscommunication

Thank God for Nick Matchen*!

Turns out the reason I have no friends isn't because I'm anti-social (though my agoraphobia is getting much, much worse, I can assure you, but you'd have to come over to my house and well, yea, maybe you should just stay away). The real reason I have no friends is because one of my text messages was misread (I'm pretty sure this is the case, because I remember it vividly in my mind, though perhaps I mistyped a sentence and the syntax was severely violated). What I meant to say and what I thought I said was:

Being black is not equivalent to being poor and not having a father.

What was read and what my ex-friend thought I said was:

Being black is harder than being poor and not having a father.

Oh! Where is Kenneth Burke when you need him?! I bet he could fix this mess in a jiffy, if only because he would be overqualified to settle this dispute (he did write Philosophy of Literary Form; I doubt he would be amused by Texts from Last Night).

It's odd, actually. My only ill-feelings result from my ex-friend misreading my text message and assuming I would argue: "being black is harder than anything else." God knows why. They're non-comparable issues, really. Completely incomparable. I'm offended that she'd think I'd think that. But now do I get upset because I think she thinks I'm a crummy human being (sad)? Or do I get upset at her for being incapable of reading sentences (anger)?

Sadly, I can not get into actual fights with people because I have severe PTSD from the good old days when I'd fight anyone and/or was exposed to a lot of fighting. My general feelings are either sadness or apathy. If I ever feel happy or angry, well, bad things happen. 

This argument is similar to the time when I was thirteen and got in a fight with another thirteen year old about what was harder: being Jewish or being black. With maturity, I guess I could hazard a guess at that answer, but I am still under-prepared to fully understand the situation. Just like I'll never know what it feels like to be poor or not have a father. I guess I could try to figure out what it might feel like, but I don't really want to kill my father, I don't want to disown my wealth, and I have other problems that I may as well deal with. Does this mean I don't relate well to humans? Probably. Or maybe it's because I am very honest: I will never understand what her life feels like.

Kenneth Burke would agree with me. I wish there were more crazy scholar rhetoricians in the world. *sigh* Alas, rhetoric isn't the powerhouse it used to be, and as a result, being a rhetorician is kind of, incredibly, disarmingly, alarmingly, very, pretty, lonely.

Oh well. I don't feel bad that I no longer have any good friends at home. I feel worse that I was misunderstood. I have trouble communicating, it would appear, with people who are not me. I feel angry about that, but only about that. I still haven't cried. A lot of things happened in the last week that I think could have made me cry. A lot of things I would've and probably should've cried about. But nope. Dry eyes.

Sadly, my ex-friend will probably never read this, but it's been a good thought process. And any blog entry where I can bring up Kenneth Burke is probably a good idea. Furthermore, I take back my other blog entry "black baby boy." Though I do still question how not racist you are. But I question that with everyone. It's very disarming. But it's not something I'd expect you to understand.


*Can you die from sarcasm? Because I think I'm trying.

Kill Me

It's racism. That's what I wanted to write about. Okay, so there's a lot of really annoying little things in my life. And what's perhaps most infuriating is that they're all fucking social issues. WHICH IS SO FUCKING FUCKED UP. I'm pretty sure the answer to most of my problems will be something like this:

I am a robot with mild asperger's syndrome.

SURPRISE! Anyway, social issues suck. Especially when they're racism. And especially when you're black. I don't like to think of myself as uppity. I am definitely sensitive. But I'm not as uppity about my race as homophobes are about their sexuality. SO WIN FOR ME. Or is that a stereotype? Who knows. All I know is it's great to watch people defend their heterosexuality for NO. APPARENT. REASON. Ridiculous. I couldn't care less if you were even a person. And I'm serious. For all I know, I'm the only person who actually exists. Or maybe I'm only the only robot. Okay, wait a second, this is clearly a rant. But it feels good to rant when you've been throwing yourself against the walls of your consciousness with theories of insidious racism that insure that you will always fail. And I mean always. Does it not matter that I am smart? Will I always question that just because I'm not white? Am I different because I'm not white? Hell, black or white, I'm still a robot. But that bothers me. Not that I'm a robot. I'm probably not a robot. But are there differences between me and white people that are so inconspicuous, yet divisive, that I will constantly fail?

Okay, well what if I could just forget that I was black? Then I'd just look at things not as ever continuing trends (like, for example, why short, meek, and stout white girls are somehow a hot commodity, and I am literally a 9 who is 5'10'' and only 160 pounds but am somehow always single?) and consider painful incidences just as what they probably actually are: fate. Random happenings that just happen and it's unfortunate that that's what's up, but sometimes life just sucks. And it should feel like life just sucks and not that there's some more evil social reasons behind this. I mean, it's not like everything bad in my life is caused by racism (like why that fucking white idiot in my physics class clearly is about as "bright" as a burnt bulb, and as daft as science majors at Colgate should be allowed to be, but yet manages to get awarded Colgate's top academic prize?), right?

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this system is fucked up. I don't know. I've been reading two papers about female physicians. And it's making me think about being black. I think it's harder to be black right now than to be a woman, if only because, as a woman, you share something in common with the majority of people living on the planet. Being black makes me similar in some way to only 10% of the world's population. But anyway, the first paper I read was very encouraging. Stereotypes and  biases cannot exist! Especially not in medicine! "The different needs of women for support groups reflect the persistent gap between reason and reality, for lingering tails of tradition prevent the attainment of true liberation for all."

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THERE ARE THINGS BEYOND MY CONTROL HOLDING ME BACK. I'm not a perfect human being. I wake up every day hoping I don't make anymore of the same mistakes that literally haunt me but I don't always know if I'll be able to avoid them. But I don't cry about these things. I feel god awful about them. I don't want to keep being a sucky human being. But I know I'll get better. I'm getting older and I'm definitely learning, albeit slowly.

What makes me cry is thinking that there won't be any change whatsoever. That I can apply myself and still fail. And that this cycle will happen again and again. That's what makes me cry until I can't speak the next day. And the sad thing is, that last sentence is true.

No, but what is really sad is, I know racism isn't that bad. I know it's not. But why, then, is it always the logical answer for situations I can't explain?

Let's Argue: I Still Have A Dream

In the wake of tomorrow's inauguration of the first African American president, has Martin Luther King's dream (see the "I Have a Dream" speech) been fulfilled? Explain why or why not.

I do not believe that Barack Obama fulfills Martin Luther King's dream of a unified America. I, and many people, should see it as an important step in bringing about equality, but it is not as though Barack Obama becoming President will stop racism. That is silly. Racism still exists, 45 years after King's famed "I Have a Dream" speech. It is a different kind of racism, however. It is no longer socially (in most circles) acceptable to be openly hateful towards people of a different race. There is no more enforced segregation, though I would argue that there is plenty of self-segregation among people (As MLK dreams, one day little black and little white children can legally hold hands, but will they actually want to?). Racism today is largely hidden, or left to hibernate in the recesses of the subconscious, because it is shameful. But it still exists. And it continues to do damage.

Even so when Martin Luther King said:

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

he probably would have been quite impressed by November 4th. Although the media continually heralded Barack Obama as a "black" president, it became clear that the American people were not sold completely by that gimick. Barack Obama ultimately won the election because he could deliver a charismatic message of hope that the majority of America found appealing. Exit polls from the election found that race was not a deciding factor for most voters; in many situations, age overuled any concerns about race. But is race still an issue? Yes. How can it not be? Barack Obama isn't just "the incoming president", he's the "historical, first african-american" president".

But what does that even mean? What does it mean to be african-american? And is Barack Obama a good caricature of all African-americans? First off, Obama was raised by an all white family. Genetically, he is half-white. As a biracial person myself, I don't think I would ever like to be described solely by the term "african-american" because it misses out on who I really am. Obama certaintly wouldn't consider himself to be one or the other, especially not in the public spotlight, where he is often to preach how we're not a "white america or a black america" but a "united america".

But even these sentiments, although hopeful, are not entirely true. There is a difference in the socioeconomic standing of white and black people. 25% of white people have earned a Bachelors Degree or higher (which is still painfully low) as compared to only 14.7% of black people. 26% of black families live in poverty as opposed to only 8% of white families. Barack Obama, who did not live in poverty and attained a Law Degree, is an elitist, not that there's any shame in that, but he is.

That Barack Obama was able to become President, therefore, does not demonstrate the ability of an African American to make it in this country, but rather, shows how not having to face the pitfalls of a poverty ridden culture makes achieving the highest office in America easier.

So is Martin Luther King's dream fulfilled? Yes and no. Great strides have been made since that August day in 1963, but we are not there yet. We must not let ourselves become complacent in the fight against racism simply because the country is being lead by a black man. There are still injustices that King would have rallied against in America.

Racism? Really?

Recently I have had the privilege of watching Guess Who's Coming to Dinner It's an Academy Award winning film that came out in 1967. The movie examines two people's decisions to get married.

Sadly, one of them is white, and one of them is black. Therefore, there are a lot of problem with the parents. Both sides consider themselves liberal and open, yet when it's their child about to marry someone... different... they freak out. I don't blame the parents--for one thing, interracial marriage is illegal in over half of the states in America at the time, and very few people would approve of their marriage. But the movie shows the parents only considering this, when there are two other reasonable things that should make the marriage impossible. First, he's 37 and she's 23. That's a fourteen year difference. It's even worse because she's only TWENTY-THREE. She's barely an adult, and he's nearing middle age. Sorry Sidney Poitier, but you are NOT that attractive. Secondly, they've only known each other for ten days. At seventeen years old, I'm not an expert in long term relationships, but I don't think you can decide to get married after knowing someone for only ten days...
The situation is played out as if the parents are looking for excuses for them to get married by pointing to these things, when really its their prejudice and inability to accept change that causes them to disagree with the whole thing. At least by today's standards, I can honestly say that a double digit age difference and no prior relationship are much bigger things to be worrying about than race. This whole movie, while still very good, ticked me off because of COURSE they shouldn't be getting married. Not because they're "different". But because they barely know each other! Grrrr....

This movie also reminded me of a news report, that said that two white female teachers affairs with their young black male students, had been sparking racism in a Southern state (south carolina?) I love how the largest complaint is that, had this been a black man having an affair with a white woman, people would be a lot more upset. I am NOT a racist, but I would be a lot more upset about that too! One reason, women are more easily associated with being victims. Now, these women are creeps. They're more than ten years older than their students, who are barely teenagers. But they're having sex with boys, and I assume willingly...?* When men have affairs with women, it's almost always the man's fault. Men are rarely thought of as victims, at any age.
Set up this crime with a male teacher having sex with a female student, and it is a HORRIFIC crime. Absolutely horrible. It doesn't matter the race of the student or the teacher, it's plain wrong. In this case, it doesn't matter the race, because it's so terrible. As with the other case, people just care less because of the gender of the victimizer. It's less shocking, or rather, it evokes less empathy/pain.

I agree that racism is everywhere, and that race usually affects us more than we know or would like to believe. But I also believe that sometimes there are much more obvious things that we don't take into account. If we always blame racism for things, it won't go away. Now sexism and agism... if only we could do something about that...

Sexism and Racism, an Evolutionary and Psychosocial Approach to Two Great Evils

I, as a black female, have often been vexed by racist and sexist comments I've had to endure over the years. If the Brown v. Board of Education research done half a century ago still holds true (which it does) racism can lead to the corruption of self-esteem. And I'm convinced the same can be held true for sexism. Not that I would ever believe that there are any wide differences between races or sexes, in fact, I will say that I see men as a subset of women, since all newly conceived embryos are female in nature. And as for race? Stereotypes never hold true for every individual, and culture matters a great deal more than race. But even though I know this to be true, it doesn't stop me from feeling at times that everyone looks down on me, and that everyone already has preconceived notions about me before I have a chance to commit an action or to utter a thought. I wouldn't say that racism and sexism combined are the largest undermining factors of my self-esteem, but I would say that at times the uneducated, ignorant views of others have caused me great self-pity, great horror, or great anger.

I feel like I should take a second or two to just point out the irony of me being vexed by racism or sexism. I am only half "black". My mother is white, born in Chicago. My father is from Nigeria, he is African, he was born in Lagos (or close to). I am also not very feminine. If anything I consider myself painfully androgynous, and probably bi-sexual or asexual. So it really is a shame that any comments concerning my race or sex would offend me in the past, since I'm not really sure of what I am actually. Quite a confusing situation.

Sexism Apparently, and I heard this from one of my guy friends, men are only sexist in order to try and maintain a power structure which puts them on top. Women are the only ones that have the potential to be more powerful than men, and they are also the only thing men really want. (A common stand-up comic theme is a grand example of this. Why do men go to work? For money. What do they do with their money? Buy nice cars. Why do they need nice cars? To get nice women.) Without sexism, women would see themselves as equals, have more leverage in relationships, and men wouldn't get what they wanted.

Racism Racism, apparently, is a theme founded usually by lighter skinned people. In India, darker people formed the lower, less privileged castes. In Southern Black Universities, some fraternities only admitted "brothers" who were lighter in complexion than brown paper bags. And of course, in America as a whole, white people have been discriminating against black people, middle easterners, and people of Hispanic decent for as long as each individual group has been in America. The evolutionary reasoning for this is very simplistic. Light skin is a recessive gene, just like blue eyes. If a white person marries a black person, the resulting children will look much more black than white (just like me!). Racism, the division of races based on the color of skin (which still makes little sense to me), is an evolutionary trait to preserve recessive genes. By dividing people, by making laws that prohibit interracial dating and marriage, white people are preserving their genes. This would be a noble goal, I suppose, if skin color could tell us more about a person. But in reality, skin color is probably less informational than a host of other things that we can see in a seconds glance, clothing choices for example. Even so, light skin is less beneficial than swarthiness, which protects against skin cancer and hideous wrinkles. There are estimates that within the next half decade, half of Americans will be bi-racial. I couldn't be happier, because that means eventually, I won't be an obscure minority, and races will slowly meld together. Still, I feel slightly bad for racist white people who really believe that skin color is important. If that was all racism was, the preserving of skin colors, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about it.