wombs, whoms, and whims

for the longest time my driver side door wouldn't open. i was devastated at first, but quickly got over it. no crying over broken doors, i always say. one of the things that i'd have to do, besides groan every time i approached my car, was to swing my legs over the middle console, sitting on the little compartment that separates the driver and first mate/navigator/shotgun winner.

i got into the habit of occasionally letting my head fall onto the back seats while simultaneously letting my torso be contained by the two front seats. it was surprisingly comfortable. i'd do this on days when i didn't want to stop listening to a song or i couldn't bare to leave the safety of my favorite vehicle. or sometimes i was just too exhausted to try and attempt to make it out of my car in one well rehearsed, by this point at least, movement. so i'd stare upwards at the black cloth of my convertible top and listen to music, hoping that no one was watching me and the weird things i do in cars. these were whimsical times, because if there are two things i like doing it's lying down in odd places and listening to amazing music through an amazing sound system.

tonight i went out to snap some videos on the town at night. i'm doing a video project and i want it to be perfect. today was also the day when my driver door finally decided to open. it hit sixty-five today and i guess my door was tired of me yelling at it. but i forgot about that when i finally parked in my driveway. i was also listening to an awesome digitalism vs. M.I.A. mix, Zdarlight with Bucky Done Gun. It's a song that I've never been able to find again, so remains solely on my old Zune player that has a cracked screen. I usually don't carry it around with me because it is anti-aesthetic. however, tonight was special. i found myself trying to exit out of my car like i usually do and i caught myself sitting in the middle. i fell backwards like i always do. there's something about this song. if you just listen to zdarlight by digitalism by itself, you can kind of understand it. but i felt so safe in my car. people say people like being in enclosed spaces because it reminds them of being in a womb. i don't think i agree with that at all, but i am comforted by my car. but i'm also getting older. will i still find things that will comfort me? i am no longer a child. i am an adult. that struck me today as i lay horizontal in my car, listening to electronic music with a bass that prodded me into an almost ecstatic state. i was scared. should i hug myself? or would that display weakness? where was my mom to rub my back and tell me that i'd be fine? where was my dad to tell me, i don't know, he's not good with words, but where was he so that i could simply infer that he loved me? and why was i twenty-one already?

these feelings were made no better by the fact that my blood sugar was in the 50s. most of my most surreal and life changing emotions have occurred with a blood sugar level of under 60. but i didn't know that then. i thought i might be having a huge moment. I'm an adult? Under the authority of whom? i brought my hands to my head and fake screamed the words to Bucky Done Gun, wondering if I would start crying, have an orgasm, or pass out, knowing full well that at most I'd only be able to do two of those things.