I hate my life

But I know it's not as bad as it used to be. I don't ever want to go back. It was hell. Why would anyone do that to me? That's why I know I can't kill myself. God, even though I want to, I know I should just stay conscious. It hurts so much. But it's all I can do. And it's all I want to do. Even though, I must admit, god must be fucking twisted, to put me through pain like this.