I may be hypoglycemic.

Before this moment in time, was I actually ever real?

When I write about fictional characters, they are almost exclusively two dimensional. Is that because I have spent most of my life being devoid of anything besides physical matter and the most superficial understanding of myself?

All my complexities seem so well structured and perfectly written out, now.

Before this, I regretted so many of my own personal decisions.

Now I don't regret anything. And it is so interesting to know that I can rely on myself to actually care about me. Is that why I'm not able to cry? Because I know that none of this is my fault?

And even though people may question my behavior, I believe 100% in everything I do. And it is hard to be this different, this unique, this extraordinary. But it is worth it. What people told me I should be when I was little was simply unattainable. My mind was filled with expectations I could never reach. And goals that I never wanted for myself.

I hurt a lot of people trying to find ways to become that "other" person that had been perfectly laid out for me long before I was born. But I especially hurt myself.

Yet I wouldn't change the hell I had to walk through to get here. There is not always beauty after pain; so in this way I am incredibly fortunate. And I am humbled by whatever cosmic deals had to be struck to get me here. Chicago had to be burned to the ground to become the greatness it is today.

And so now when I look at myself I see the realness that is me. There are no delusions that I could be smarter or prettier or more loved. I am simply me but I am not simple. I no longer fight against myself. I only fight against the world.

So when I get to heaven, will I not be seated at the highest table?