Hey Look! It's Over. Bummer. GG No RE

Well now I feel like vomiting emotions.

So that's new.

I like how my experience of human feelings occurs incredibly slowly and I have no idea how to handle them when they arise. Like the feeling of wanting to vomit. Everywhere.

Hmmmm.... the only plusses to this whole campaign are that I'm confident I now know how to differentiate between love and obsession (did you know those are two different feelings?! I didn't!) and the fact that I haven't cried is a pretty good sign that I must really like myself as a person.

The only thing that really bothers me now is the fact that 1) "It wasn't meant for them" as in it wasn't meant for me and I knew it at the time and I knew it couldn't have been but I was also hoping that it hadn't been for anyone else but it was and that person was not me and why couldn't it have been me and am I sure I'm perfect? Yes I am. I am sure that I wouldn't change this and I don't think I can but still and why oh why you were going to lose so very very long ago just give up okay fine you know I hate you right and I'm all like, well, sweet sweet innocent Elora, everything's going to work out fine kiddette..... and 2) I can't believe that someone else is going to get lifted up and out of the world of depression while I have to stay here. Fuckin' why do white men have it so easy?

Regardless, Futurama, once again provides insight on this topic, and I still feel like I win:

Fry: "So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?"

I may be a ridiculous jumble of emotions and behaviors that when added together create a semi-functional mess of a human being. But I think that's awesome. And I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want that. You only live once. I don't see why anyone would actively choose to be normal. You'll just die earlier. I mean, you won't actually die earlier, but your life will pass more rapidly before your eyes, because you will literally be boring as fuck. 

Fuck.

I have really high demands.

Fuck.

People are boring.

This is why I'm a writer. This is why I don't spend most of my time in the real world. This is why my daydreams are more vivid than my actual life. This is why the most passionate things I've ever written were for people who don't exist. And this is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot. 

Regardless, still really feel like vomiting. Which is so COOL! Because it's so WEIRD! AH! Elora. Your body and your mind... are just really... really... *blech*.

I'm still waiting on you to one day... realize... that this would have been.... and then you will cry first. And I will win. Because there are always winners and losers and I am no longer capable of losing, apparently.