I've gotten myself stuck in the doldrums of severe depression again. I am so very, very screwed. Taking what seems to be a lot of antidepressants and still feeling hopeless... for no apparent reason. Maybe someone's fucking with my subconscious... Although that seems as much unlikely as it is stupid.
[add'n 8:01 pm]: So maybe I just have seasonal affectiveness disorder, which, just like the existence of a "subconscious", I doubt very much exists. But today was the first cloudy and cold day of the season, and I am inexplicably sad. I mean, I know why I'm sad, but it doesn't equal the way I feel.
And the way I feel is interesting. I haven't felt this alone/hated since I was an eight-year-old. It's been fifteen years. I can't keep feeling like this, right? That nobody likes me and not even my friends actually want to spend time with me? Or will I just always be this way? Bearing the scars of a middle child for the rest of my life? It couldn't have been that bad, right? There were good times. Why do I keep reacting inappropriately to stimuli, then?
There are a lot of "things" that depress me. But the way I feel right now is so purely intrinsic... it's disturbing. I don't know how I would explain the way I feel to anyone, literally any one person, and the fact that no one would understand me makes me so... hopeless. I don't hate myself. I don't hate myself at all. And yet somehow my existence--not the things in my life that I am subjected to but the very fact that my existence has to take place in a world so heartless--makes me incapable of prolonged happiness.
This is not right. This is pathologic. This cannot be normal. I can't think of anyway to fix this, which is also disturbing.
The only bright side is that I'm pretty sure I will feel better in a couple of days. I've been pretty negative this entire week, but next week should be better. Depression, although a chronic condition, goes into remission eventually.
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