What I Know About Love

It's the morning after Valentine's Day and I'm drunk on champagne, so let me ramble.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone so desperately--so intensely--that it no longer feels like you are just friends? Ha. Really just acquaintances. What do I know of friendships? No, but someone who you know you could love in the most amicable of ways for years, even decades?

But it's impossible. Not only is this love unrequited, it is impossible, for any dumb old reason: they live two thousand miles away; your sexualities don't align; they don't technically exist; they died; they're locked into a "serious" relationship--fuck, they are married. It's impossible. The kind of unavoidable conclusion whose sureness is only outmatched by the truth that you will die some day and that nothing will come after that.

I don't like that level of impossibility. So I don't let my mind wander on the topic for very long. Or at all. But the dreams. Oh, how I dream. Everything I want that is so very wrong, I get as soon as my consciousness taps out. I don't understand it. I don't understand this. Shouldn't I dream of things that happened to me? Shouldn't I dream of the big stressors in my life?

Or is this just telling me what I've already known? The greatest fear in my life is that I will spend it not alone, but perpetually lonely.

Because there are people--there are these days, there is this person--that I am intractably in love with, and I will never be able to be with them in any shade of reality.

I know I will not feel like this for much longer--I will fall out of love because that is the only option given to me--but it pains me to know that at one time I could see so clearly my own happiness wound so well around another's.

So I will say a short prayer before every bedtime: let me let this feeling go. Let me know that there is no great romance in this life. Or any other. Tell me what I need to do to have you. Let me forget all of this. 

Please. Let me forget.

[future elora, do you remember who you wrote this for? it will be an obscure reference from november 2012. but at this very moment, it troubles you incessantly.]