And and and.... I'm dying.

I'm tired. I'm scared. & I'm debating whether or not I should hate myself.

Something is wrong with the left side of my face. And my posterior auricular lymph node is freaking out and it looks like I'm growing gills. And it hurts. Like someone is constantly chipping away at my TMJ, my temporomandibular joint.

Tender? No, I'm in pain. And I look disgusting and I should be working right now but instead I'm watching the West Wing and being constantly reminded that I'm taller than Rob Lowe. And I know that shouldn't make me depressed, but it does. For no apparent reason. And yet I know the reason I just don't want to think about it.

And yawning helps the pain but it makes it feels like my inner ear is going to devolve into otitis media.

And I may have taken too much aspirin which could lead to acute gastritis. Or wait, no. Maybe that's alcohol. Well I've had both and I still don't think anything could be as painful as the left side of my face.

And all of these things are just complaints and I want to go to sleep but I'm in so much pain and I don't see why things like this have to happen.

Every. Single. Time. My. Body. Hurts. In. A. New. Way. I. Feel. Like. I've. Just. Developed. A. Disease. Process. That. Will. End. Me.

I'm only twenty-three. So I have, statistically, a half a century more to wonder if that tinge I felt while coughing is walking pneumonia or if that spasm in my wrist is the breaking of a ligament or the onset of a myositis. And I only have fifty years? Is that enough time to... And I have no idea. I'm just tired. And scared. & debating whether or not I should hate myself.