Blank Notes

So I found this little ditty in one of my blog post drafts:

"So I tricked/asked my psychiatrist for more antidepressants, and long story short, I am nearly manic! I feel as great as I should feel! I still think a lot about how much I have previously sucked as a girlfriend, but it seems irrelevant. Which is great! Because it is! I still think about this person, I still have minor panic attacks whenever I see them, but I don't dwell. And I don't frown... I actually smile, because hey! Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't. Maybe they'll be a good person to date or maybe I'll never know. Maybe there will be even better people to date. Maybe I will marry the perfectest person and everything will work out fine, and I'll be a great mom because I'm a decent, if not good, wife. Who knows? I still don't and I now accept that I never will. AH! I feel so free and almost invincible. But not that invincible. I still accept that I am merely human. I do not think I am having delusions of grandeur or being nonsensically manic. Still... everyone should feel like this! All the time! I feel as though I am always at +4 with occasional bouts of +7!!! So many exclamation points!!!! So many words like: "perfectest." I think I am living the dream. No, even better: I am living my dream. I know it and I feel it.

And still, why was I almost derailed by one person?

...Ominous....

Hmmm...

Nope. Don't care! Hahahaha, I'm sure in about two weeks or five months they will do something absolutely despicable and I will no longer care quite so much about them. And you know what? I feel pretty okay with that. I've only been dating people for seven years. In the next seven years, I'm sure something exciting will happen. In the meantime, I can look forward to actually being in medical school....! I keep remembering that and everything seems so much infinitely better. I am living my dream."

This was almost published on 4/27. Which means five months was about two weeks ago. Nothing despicable has happened yet, that I know of. I was pretty worried that I was manic too much so now my psychiatrist wants me to track my general mood. And I've got to say, I'm not happy at all. I'm not depressed, but I'm still pretty fucking anxious.

Still this same guy. Had an amazing summer. Many adventures, lots of fun. But now proximity. We're too close. But we're not close enough that I can be disgusted. WE HAVEN'T HIT OUR LD50 YET. I don't know how to tell someone: "Yo, I think we should spend more time together so I can explicitly identify things I do not like about you because our brief conversations really make me want to marry you pretty much all the time."

That sounds psychotic.

I KNOW I AM NOT PSYCHOTIC. I'm on a lot of drugs...

BUT I AM NOT INSANE.

There is a lot about this person that makes him superior to the majority of people I have dated in the past. Most notably? He does not have any moderate to severe personality disorders. I think that's why this bothers me so much.

My entire life my "dating" style has been akin to the hunting methods of a Hyena. I will pursue more lively things, but I'm also content eating carrion. The less effort I have to put in, the better. You get extra points for being anti-social because then I don't have to deal with socially awkward situations. Hell, I continue to describe my attempts at hooking up in college as "shooting fish in a barrel." And I was proud of that.

Now I want to pursue someone who is actively alive and it's just so frustrating. Hyenas can't take down, let's say, a wildebeest.

CORRECTION: They can do that. Youtube has several videos promising me that I can see either 1 hyena or 2 take down an entire wildebeest.

That's inspirational.

In the meantime, I still fully believe that I am living my dream, so I guess I'm not actually depressed. I'm doing pretty well, if not really well, in school. I'm generally happy. I just keep thinking I could be more happy, you know? Like I fully believe that for the first time in my life I could potentially enter into a serious relationship (I've had like, two?) that is also healthy. I fully believe I could actually get married with a low chance of divorce (two years ago I was convinced I would be the first person in my extended family to get a divorce, and the only person to get to two divorces (I like to run away from my problems as soon as possible)). I feel like the fact that I actually want to marry this person is a good indication that there is something different here than in most of my other relationship aspirations. I would never write that on a blog. Well, in high school I probably would have, but I was actually insane then.

What if for once in my life I actually cared about someone in a way that wasn't to flame my own vanity? What if I wanted to be with someone just because and not to make it easier for me to run away from my problems? What if I could actually care about someone because I actively wanted them to be happier? Not in some superficial way, but in a deep, long-lasting way that even if we crash and burn, ten years later we both agree it was more beneficial than harmful. What if for once in my life, I had someone who loves me? Wait.... what? What if I could be with someone who made it easier for me to be a better person--a better person as defined by myself--because I no longer feel a need to change who I am, every goddamn day, to avoid being ostracized?

I actively want to know what I would be like in such a situation.

I spend so many hours trying to mold myself into the perfect american woman. I don't do it so I seem more attractive. I do it so I don't feel alone. My life is just so isolating. I want people to notice me while not being scared of me.

I want to know what would happen if--instead of spending most of my days alone--I actually talked to someone every day.

I think I would be happier. I want to believe that I would be happy.

The sad thing is, I probably won't be. This is probably all a lie. He's probably a racist. He's probably dating someone right now. He might be socially conservative. He's probably married. Maybe he's gay. He probably gets hobos to fight each other. Honestly, there's something here that I'm missing because this feeling is impossible. Fascinating.

Gah. I want to publish this but I can't.