black rage

I have so much black rage and there is nothing I can do with it. So it's just building up. I find mini-outlets by reading Jezebel or listening to Jay-Z. But it's killing me. Physically: I feel like shaking, crying, screaming. Mentally: even worse. I can't focus. I'm so angry.

When I want to do something, it's always so goddamn hard. I'm not good at interpersonal skills. But maybe I'm not good at such things because no one ever wanted to be friends with me. Maybe it's because I was so isolated. I want to do something. I need the help of others to get my goddamn fucking aspirations off the fucking ground and I have no one. No support. Nothing.

White dude. Shows up. Everyone's there.

Thanks world. I fucking hate you. Make the winners feel better that they win. All the time.

I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do. I can't fucking even focus on studying.

vicious cycle
world casually tells me I'll never be good enough and no one will ever love me.
I try less. I achieve less.
world tells me I'll never be good enough, and this time has proof because I didn't try to be amazing.

I don't ever want to be passive: I want people to know that they are being racist and are feeding into a system that is, when you step back and examine it, HORRIFIC. But I don't want to be this angry. I don't want to be so angry that I stop recognizing white people as friends, and start seeing them as the enemy.

That's not cool.

At the same time, all of this is so fucking fucked up.

I have so much and yet I'm still angry. Why am I still so angry? What is wrong with me? Do I hate myself for wanting more or do I hate the world for not giving it to me? And how do I rate this feeling on my mood chart? Seriously. This isn't sadness or happiness. Oh wait. It's dysphoria. Never mind. Society is making me dysphoric.