tahiti...

is like Planet Honeymoon. Do you know how people knock George Lucas and Star Wars for creating entire planets covered in one ecological climate? Hoth is covered by snow and ice; Tatooine is a huge desert; Coruscant is an entire city. Well, if Tahiti was an entire planet onto itself, it would be disproportionately populated by people on their honeymoons and renewing their vows.

And it's disconcerting. I can't quite place my finger on what bothers me the most, but I can list several things that I find unsettling.

1) PDA. The French are a disgusting people. I know that all people in "love" will display affection for their paramours, but the French seem like they've been bred for the explicit purpose of making me want to vomit whenever I am forced to cross paths with two lovers. Do Americans spend this much time... so close to one another? That can't be fun. People are disgusting. Why would you want to be near them unnecessarily?

2) How old are you? Seriously. I can't tell. Is this a European thing as well? To look younger than you actually are because, unlike us filthy Americans, you've relied on walking to get you from place to place and don't feel obliged to eat at a fast food joint every now and again to remind yourself of the mightiness which is the Whopper? Well, I won't have any of it. I'm not married. And I expect most 21 year olds to also not be married. But even if they are getting married... why are you honeymooning in Tahiti? I'm sorry, but if you're going to risk throwing your life away at this stage, I expect you to be trailer trash and honeymooning at the Wisconsin Dells. Seriously. Because if someone my age is getting married, good for them. And if someone is having their honeymoon in Tahiti, also, good for them. But if someone my age is having their honeymoon in Tahiti, something just doesn't add up. You can't be young, beautiful, rich, and married. That's like... Well, it's not fair.

3) The fact that everyone here speaks French is very unhinging. Doesn't French kind of sound like the language you'd want your love slave to speak? Have I gone too far? No, but seriously, it's good at effeminating everyone who speaks it, reducing both men and women into a further state of helplessness, or partial sentience. (Sorry, I should apologize. I really hate French and I'm just completely butchering this argument as I butcher, regularly, the French language). I find this makes matters worse when you have to listen to a young, in love couple, talking about things that you can't possibly understand. Men and women sound a lot more similar when they're speaking French. It's like they're slowly sinking into themselves, creating a singularity of sickening mutual affection.

4) It's beautiful here. And this is what really bothers me, and gets me talking to myself in a rather blunt manner. It's beautiful here, probably the most gorgeous place I've ever been--definitely top five. But if I was here on a honeymoon, I would probably be having sex almost incessantly. Which means that the view is really just wasted on people having sex. Could sex be helped by the natural beauty of Tahiti? Probably. But not by nearly enough to make the different price tag of honeymooning in Tahiti verse doing the same in Hawaii or even Florida worth it. And it is very disturbing walking around this island, this private island, thinking about all the people having sex in their above water bungalows. Erisa and I were wondering why housekeeping knocked on our doors three times a day. I suggested--monotone, mind you, for this topic brings me no satisfaction--that this was probably an indication of the mean number of times the bed would have to be remade and the towels replaced if it really did house people who had just tied the knot.

And so, yes, I will be stuck on Planet Honeymoon for the next two weeks, taking pictures of plants and fish and rainbows, and trying very hard not to imagine how wonderful it would  be to be surrounded by either 1) people my age or 2) people who have not just gotten married. Though perhaps I should  just learn to except that sometimes, people can love each other, and that the beauty of love means I should respect them who chose to commit each other to themselves and away in the tropical paradise of Tahiti. (Vomit) I will have to accept that my aversion to such things is not really my fault but the direct result of my parents' ways, who rarely engage in affectionate behavior (I was scarred the first time I saw them kiss; I was fourteen). And I will try to remind myself that this place really is beautiful, and that there is little chance I will come back here for my own honeymoon, if only because I would not be able to afford having a honeymoon here unless I were to get married at age forty-seven. Still a possibility. And the more honeymooners I see, the less and less I want to get married right this instant. I feel like I could wait another twenty-six years. Then maybe we will have done away with marriage (see what happens when you let gays marry each other?) and the only purpose of relationships will be procreation and the term honeymoon will apply to more pleasant things, like visiting tropical paradises sans-annoying couples or playing an exhaustive game of Life with a peer. It could happen. I hope it happens.