I'm graduating soon. For some reason this has prompted me to assess where I am right now in contrast to where I was four years ago, a senior in high school. Weird, really weird. As a senior in high school... I was angry, but I had no ways of correcting my anger. I didn't know how to be upset with people in a socially acceptable manner. I hated everyone, even people who were my friends, for not caring more about the issues I was personally going through, even if these were issues I couldn't really vocalize. I was selfish, for the most part. I was really selfish.
I didn't know what I wanted to get out of college, but I knew it was what everyone was doing, so I wasn't too terrified that I'd be going to a new place the following year. I had a lot of dreams for myself, but I didn't know how to get those dreams realized. I wanted to be an artist, for example. Or a writer. But I didn't know how to go about that. If I had too much free time, yea sure, I might end up painting or writing a short story, but I'd never go beyond that. I cared a lot about school, but only to the point where I really wanted to get at least B's for myself, but I felt like I needed more A's to compare myself to my friends. That sounds horrible. I had one best friend. I had a lot of good friends, which basically consisted of listening to people brag about themselves. I had a lot of acquaintances whom I never really got a chance to know and probably never will.
I was athletic but I hated my body. I think I mostly hated my body because I was inexplicably heavier than almost all my friends. I remember being ecstatic when I found out my prom date weighed ten more pounds than me. I had a swimmer's build, which is probably one of the least feminine body types you can ever have.
I was deathly afraid of leaving my home. I cried before I left to go to Belize for three weeks. I don't know why I was so scared of change. My life four years ago sucked. I couldn't communicate with other people. I couldn't figure out what I wanted and how to get it. I was incredibly isolated.
Alright, so right now, where am I? Just being completely honest about my personal development and all that… I'm still selfish, but to qualify, I'm selfish when I believe I have a right to be. I'm terrified for the change that will be Medical School--it's not something everyone does, so I don't know what to expect. The idea of medical school to me seems like a black box that nobody understands--what's going on in there? Are people dying from overstudying? Or is it just a time where you learn a lot and you gradually get more and more invested in how the human body works? I'd like it to be the second, because I love learning. I honestly do. So I want to be selfish about some things when I go to medical school next year. I don't want to have to compromise what I do in my free time, though I will accept the fact that I will have less free time. But I still want to write, I want to paint. I want to make jewelry. I want to continue watching my favorite television shows. I want to be able to keep playing sports, and I want to be able to go to the gym as much as I'd like.
These things probably have not made me a better student. My overall GPA for college comes out to being slightly above a B average. So in a way, I consider myself very selfish. I'm a hedonist. I think I was a hedonist in high school, too, but I've found more eclectic and much classier ways of being happy all the time. But I think I'm less selfish in my relationship with other people. I've had to absorb a lot of information from people in a wide spectrum of freaking out. I've had to learn how to communicate honestly with people even when I could imagine myself doing a hundred other things, and sometimes these things were more important. I forced empathy, and I think the training I gained will help immensely. Thinking of people in this way, like, they are important when they are entrusting you with their secrets, and you need to respect them, has also helped me talk about my own problems. Talking has helped me gain friends, best friends even. I have five. I used to have one, and she's still in my top five, but to actually have five friends? Like, really close friends? It's heaven. I have my fave five:
Susan Kim (All the problems I still carry with me from home)
Shaina (Social awkwardness; Rational, non-college attitude towards things)
Becky (Left over swimming & diving angst; parents; general things concerning joviality)
Ali (Boys, intimate relationships)
I guess I shouldn't say fave five. I can think of four people who would qualify as the fifth person, because they all have different perspectives, and they're all invaluable.
Hmmmm….
I stopped swimming. I started playing Ultimate frisbee. I think that helped a lot, not just with my appearance, but also how I interact with people. You don't interact when you're a varsity athlete. I talk a lot when I play--and I think that's because I can't believe people are actually talking with me. Haha. I don't have a swimmer's body anymore. In ways, this makes me sad, because I can't feel 100% confident in my ability to wreck almost anyone. But it also makes me happy because now that I don't have an extra 20 lbs of muscle, I can run really fucking fast. It's amazing. I actually still kind of hate my body, but now that I spend a lot of my time dressing in gender-appropriate clothing, I am more comfortable accepting that my body isn't perfect, but I still have some pretty amazing features. Also, my face. I don't know why I didn't think I was more attractive in high school. I don't think my facial features have changed too drastically in the last four years. But I'm pretty gorgeous. I'm still living off the high of discovering my own attractiveness, to the point of having five mirrors in my room, for no apparent reason. NO APPARENT REASON. Also, now that I am more comfortable admitting that I am bisexual, I am also comfortable admitting that I'd really like to be able to jump myself. Sadly, this will never be feasible. But if I ever meet someone who looks like me, WOW.
And thanks to my new found confidence, I would have no problem demanding that that person date/have sex with me. That's probably the funniest thing that has happened to me since high school. While communicating with people you want to sleep with is often and still terrifying, I no longer have a problem with being incredibly open. Some people have advised against this trait of mine, but I kind of actually love it. Things get settled a lot quicker. I've asked out two people, I've quite clearly, and twice communicated in person, my interest in dating/sexing someone. Sadly, I can't be this forward with smaller problems in my life. Like, I wish I could be more upfront about how a friend's behavior devastates me. But apparently it's much harder for women to be mean to their closest friends than it is to be mean to people they don't know as well.
Bummer. So, I guess I'm really proud of myself. Yea. I don't know what people think about me, but I can only hope they appreciate my strange quirks. I think people find me amusing, which is really all I've ever wanted. Respect is nice, but not always necessary. I guess I can work on that for the next four years. What's the purpose of thinking about life like this? Like, constantly assessing your performance? Is it really my goal to become a better person? Is it possible to become a perfect person? I don't know. But I guess one day, when I'm having a mid-life crisis, I'll know if I've made it to perfection if I wake up the next day and am not worried that my life has been for naught. Then I'll drink some coffee and figure out what I can do that day to make my life, and the lives of everyone around me, better.
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