A Secondary Concern

So my life isn't actually difficult. That may be a modest statement, but I do not believe I am lying when I say my life could be far, far worse. My parents are both decent people who have worked hard to make sure their future kids would have almost everything we could ever want. I hesitate to say I have a "disposable" income, but if I spend an extra $500 in a month, nobody seems to notice. And $500 is a lot of money to be throwing around. So yes. My life, financially, and in many other ways, is not difficult at all.

And this is how it would appear to most close minded people.

Because the fact is, no matter how perfect my life is, society is always nearby, waiting to fuck shit up for people like me who are content. Today some goddamn, middle age white politician made a really dumb comment about rape and how it actually works. BUT HE HAS NO IDEA HOW IT ACTUALLY WORKS (probably. It's very possible that he has been raped, but seeing as he seems stable enough saying such horrible things, imma just assume he's never been violated before).

And so today, I flocked to my favorite blogs which are progressive and/or feminist, and I read professional writers' takes on the comment, and then I got to read comments made by other women (and a few good men) that mirrored my own sentiments. And I finally felt safe....

Except I didn't, because now I know that there are men out in the country--men who are close to controlling parts of this country--who lack the ability to understand 1) science and 2) humanity. It's disturbing and disgusting. It shouldn't be happening. This is not a country I would like to be a part of.

In a way, this is exactly how I felt in the months following the Trayvon Martin shooting. Most people I talked to and most people I heard recognized the murder as a tragedy. But then there were a few people who wouldn't just agree on the simple goddamn point that murdering a 17 year old is wrong. A few of these people were my friends--which was incredibly disturbing. But then there were also famous people and politicians. How many people in this country are racists? How many of those people hold political power? This is not a country I would like to be a part of.

So yes, my life is objectively great. But I am this close to breaking down because as long as I have been able to feel pride or disappointment in my self, I have been fed constant reminders--through peers and through politics--that I am somehow less than great. This is not a country I would like to be a part of. I never feel safe because in my mind, worst case scenarios play out, and they always end up with me being raped or murdered with no punishment given to the offender. It's a terrifying thought. It makes me want to figure out what other people think of me: do they see me as an actual human being?

And so I am constantly losing my humanity.




I wonder how many white men feel this way.