Commendable

....and then sometimes my diabetes just deteriorates and I have so many lows in one day it just kind of feels like I'm literally fighting to stay alive. Yes, yes, yes. I've had this disease for almost a decade now. I should be better at controlling it. But it keeps goddamn evolving. There are also outside factors that come into play. I gain ten pounds, glucose is always high. I decide to randomly exercise for about fifteen minutes, suddenly my glucose drops. I don't know how, the last insulin I had was over two hours ago. But I guess it was just waiting around in my capillaries, you know, being a dick. I'll get used to waking up with moderate lows, and then my mom will tell me that I'm going to die in my sleep and suddenly I'm waking up with highs because the fear of death makes me eat everything in my vicinity during the few minutes of consciousness I have before I pass out. Already today my blood glucose has been under 60 three times. At least three times. Actually, four. Because I woke up and it was 50 something. I. Don't. Want. To. Do. This. Anymore. When my glucose is low I feel like my life is shit and I can't breathe and I'm coerced into an obligatory panic attack. Me?! Panicking?! So uncharacteristic. And so fucking crappy.  When my glucose is high I feel like my life is shit and I am just waiting for the feeling in my feet to disappear and then I'll lose my vision and then my kids will develop metabolic syndromes and my life is shit. Seriously. This is the most annoying fucking disease ever. It's serious enough to make you fucking hate everything about yourself and the way you live. But it's not serious enough for anyone to really care too much--I don't get optimal parking spots and nobody commends me for being brave. No, yea--it's not cancer. But it's not easily manageable either.

I don't know what I want. Clearly a cure would be nice, but I'm not that naive. And maybe I like the challenge of having to know myself so well that I can predict whether a headache is from glucose, sickness, or just stress. The few moments of pure adrenaline I have before I succumb to hypoglycemia have given me some great stories. But the panic that descends afterwards? Not so nice. I don't know. Maybe I just want a break. Maybe I just want to be attached to a dialysis machine and some IVs and just be able to lie down somewhere without wondering every five minutes if I should poke myself with a needle or just wait for the headache or the feeling of despair to leave. Just a little bit of time would be nice.  I really don't want to do this anymore. I just really want to be normal. I just really want to be optimistic about my future.