when i was in high school, everything seemed so much more magical. i didn't have to try to imagine myself living in a fantasy world... it just happened. what was my problem? I had many. i was clearly manic depressive (however, my mother would like me to say that i'm not and never was... i will agree to the former, but never the later).
i also had a lot of social problems. i had trouble relating to other people. something about me, something about my sisters, prevented us from understanding how other "normal" people functioned. i devoted my life to studying and examining people. but i was always confused.
probably because the people that i was attracted to were a lot like me, it turned out. unsocial. adrift in a world that didn't make strict logical sense. i didn't know what i wanted. i remember the first person i was ever in love with. we didn't kiss until we were dating for eleven months. it was my first kiss. i think i was just amused that someone cared so much about me. i just wanted attention. and it has always been easier to get it from guys.
there was this one girl, she was my best friend. i thought she liked me. we were both in florida for some break. she asked me if i wanted to hang out with her, i said yes. i missed spending an afternoon in the everglades with my family to spend an afternoon with her. it was sometime in high school. maybe i was a senior. she was beautiful. but she flirted like hell. i thought she liked me. that was a wasted afternoon. we were really close to hooking up, too--alone together in an entire apartment in florida. what the fuck was that? men and women are equally confusing. i just don't understand humans.
one year later, a freshmen in college, i had a boyfriend, i think. i don't know what we were. i don't say hello to him when i see him now. that was so long ago. but what happened? i was crazy. i wanted a lot of things. i want a lot of things. i thought i was disgusting. i just wanted someone who was easy to talk to. he wasn't. he definitely wasn't. it was much easier to talk with other people, and through other people he found out a lot of things about me. like i was often fervently attracted to women. that's hypersexuality, for you. one of the weirdest things about me, i swing between asexuality (general confusion of why people even like each other) and hypersexuality (basically, a kosher term for me really wanting to make out with anyone, yes, anyone). he broke up with me because he said i wasn't "serious." i spent a lot of time thinking about what he had probably meant by that. i think now that he had meant serious about the relationship, but back then, i thought he meant as a person. ELORA APANTAKU should never be serious. it's not in her style. I'm never serious. I've dated more than one person who has critiqued that about me. but no. I'm not fucking serious. if life was supposed to be serious, we wouldn't be "dating." we'd be having wars and making offspring. jesus christ. but no, he was right, i wasn't serious about that relationship. he wasn't fun to talk to. he was hardly a person. he wasn't even attractive.
i'm shallow. logically, people with more genetic value have more attractive faces. but i give people passes on their looks if they're sufficiently interesting to talk to.
i've hooked up with a lot of people. elora in high school always imagined she'd marry that first guy. she won't. she was a romantic. i'm not really a romantic anymore. but i am trying very hard to not do stupid things. like date people who are actually sucky people. there are a lot of sucky people in the world. i think i've been distracted by the image of what the perfect "person" should be.
there's no one like me.
elora high school -- i'm a varsity athlete. i'm black. i'm very smart. i'm a nerd.
elora freshmen -- i'm biracial, bisexual, and can ride bicycles. i'm a varsity athlete.
elora senior -- i'm elora apantaku.
therefore, it's impossible that anyone will know exactly what the perfect person for me should be.
and maybe that's why i've had so much trouble.
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