Because I know I shouldn't trust myself

I'm a better person when I'm drinking. I'll tell you why--I know I'm drunk and therefore, I know I should really think hard about what I'm doing. Yes. That's right. I'm actually LESS impulsive when I'm drunk. Or tipsy. When I'm drunk, when I'm blackout--I'm a hot mess. And I mean hot literally. My body temperature raises quite a bit.

This may have something to do with the fact that I came to the world of drinking quite late in my development. Also... I'm diabetic. When my blood sugar is low... ooo, it's like being tipsy/drunk but with none of the happy feelings... It's all paranoia and my life SUCKS. Which it does, whether or not my blood sugar is above 65.

Yes. So I know when I'm drunk (or low) quite readily. And I know that I have a tendency to do things that aren't "kosher." (BTW--they still aren't selling REAL coke (with real sugar) for Passover yet! WTF?) I actually get in long arguments with myself about whether or not I should do certain things. Like texting. I have to be mad drunk or be mad sure that I'm not saying anything offensive to send off text messages while intoxicated. For example:

"Elora, don't do that."
"Are you sure? I should say something."
"No. No. Not that."
"I don't know... Maybe I should--"
"NO! REWRITE THE GODDAMN TEXT."

Yes. That was an actual conversation I had with myself. Anyway, I'm a better person when I'm drunk. Because I know I shouldn't trust myself.

Like, I want to be paranoid all the time. I grew up thinking everyone hated me. And today, that feeling more or less still exists. WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME? I'M SO BEAUTIFUL?! Indeed, that's a relatively new development (i.e., me being beautiful). But the feelings of social rejection remain. I don't know why I didn't have a lot of friends in middle school. Maybe it was because I was the only black girl at Avoca West. Maybe it's because I had weird social skills. Maybe it was because I was hyperactive and physically intimidating (I was 5'3'' at age 8. 5'5'' at age 10.) I don't know. But the feeling of protracted loneliness has remained. This is probably why I have a blog. GOD knows I don't need one... But I don't have any real friends.

Hah. Don't have any real friends. What a mean way to say I have a ton of acquaintances who actually care about me quite a lot.

Anyway, right now I'm drunk. And I'm also paranoid. How do you know that someone doesn't like you? There are some signs that seem so perfectly perceptible. There are declarations of intent, of physical attraction. There are long, deep conversations about things that seem out of the comfort range of everyday interactions. There are the unnecessary car rides that last eighty-minutes plus both ways. There's the uncomfortable squirming during a seduction gone awry. But how do you really know if someone likes/doesn't like you? How can you just assume anything? Am I dense? God knows my Father is, as most parents are. But I always assumed I could read people so well. Or maybe I'm just reading the wrong things. Did I fuck up? My father is dense because he grew up in mid-twentieth century Nigeria and is almost offensively stoic. I'm dense because my sisters and I score on the Autism scale and reading people is like a fun game. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE TO READ PEOPLE. But when I have to read someone who I don't know very well, but kind of well, somewhere in-between, really, I get paranoid. I have a tendency, and have always had a tendency, to assume that people like me a lot more than they actually do. Any sign of affection, even, as medical communication articles title it, "gazing at", me sends me into long spouts of deductions. I DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT. I hate it. It freaks me out. Except when I LOVE IT. Entirely not necessary. How possible is it that this person was staring out the window, rather than directly at me? High. Very high. I'm fucking beautiful. I would literally love to see myself in any sort of fashion magazine. But being super attractive can't make up for social deficiencies.

Also, being an alcoholic.

So I don't know. If you really think someone is interesting, if you really are attracted to someone, would you still be busy? Or is that just the way I operate? Do I just ditch everything at the first hint that someone might actually want to be close to/with me? Is that a problem? I go to a good school. Maybe I should stop expecting people to care as little as I do about the actual mundane "assignments" of classwork. *YAWN* I know, I know. But I'm in fucking Medical School. My GPA sucks (>3.0 but by how much?!), but I have a handful of projects that I am extremely proud of. And tell me I don't know how to read a fucking scientific paper and I will END you. Haha. Hahaha.

Anyway, this is me being paranoid. I don't trust myself. This is clearly a situation of over-analysis (in that I've written an entire blog entry on it). Still... still... being scared and drunk... It's... it's just the...

[spontaneous crying is a common feature in Elora. she respects your concern but she pities you for caring about her. you poor soul.]