Alphabet Novel

A. A quick lesson in history: Rome was built in a day and God doesn't like the Danish.

B. "Because you went to see her, I missed picking up my laundry, and now I have nothing to wear tonight," she had said, thinking it would sound logical, even though I knew she only thought that because she was on the verge of a rage black-out and like her laundry, lost at the laundromat, had lost her critical thinking skills.

C. The child was standing by the side of the road, holding a stuffed animal--a giraffe to be specific.

D. Don't ever go to Safeway at night.

E. Every morning she went down to the little lake in their backyard, a pond really, and waded in to her knees or until the seaweed and pond scum started to curl around her ankles.

F. "Forget you and fuck this town." I hadn't seen him since.

G. George was an amiable character; at least that was what his wife wanted us to think, even though I knew he was an adulterer, a floozy, a cheapskate--a caricature of a charlatan.

H. He wanted very much, badly, to crash his fist into the pastel blue drywall, but last time that had happened, he had created a jagged hole and his mom had been very much, badly, displeased.

I. "I'm going to go off on a tangent now. I hope you don't mind...," was the first thing she had said when I walked into the room, and twenty minutes later she was still talking and I was still just nodding my head.

J. Just in case you decide you wanted to do something else with your life, I have some bad news for you: You're going to fail.

K. Katherine wanted pizza but everyone else in her circle of "friends" wanted Starbucks. She was now quiet but enraged, pondering the individual values of enjoying Sal's Pizzeria and loneliness or drinking coffee with contempt.

L. "Lose the shirt." She was always telling me what to wear, and I always listened. Until one day I decided, fuck it, I'm fourteen-years-old and I like the purple skinny jeans.

M. More than anything else in the entire world, Maria wanted to see the entire world disappear.

N. Nobody ever wanted to be "that kid"; however, Walt was now that kid, and he was skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk like a skier over moguls.

O. On clear nights, they said, you could see shooting stars. But they were lying so that people with stubborn dreams would take the time to go outside instead of sitting on their couches, watching late-night comedy shows. You couldn't see anything up there anymore. Light pollution, you know? There were no more stars for us.

P. "Personally, I never liked her," she had said but I knew that wasn't true and I knew that if she was older, more confident, and not such a fucking hypocrite she would've been able to tell everyone the truth. She was in love with Eva, but she couldn't be a lesbian, god forbid.

Q. "Queer as this may sound, I actually enjoy The Shins." I wanted to slap him, as punishment for his "queer" diction.

R. Rum should rarely be mixed with tequila--I learned that in a sloppy fashion one year and two months and one week ago.

S. She couldn't wait--she wouldn't be served, and Sheryl knew this but had come to the diner anyway, kind of sort of hoping to see the cute kid who was apparently fond of cappucinos, but more importantly, to symbolically say "fuck you" to her study group that would be meeting right about now.

T. The lights--the music--the tacky, bedazzled jean jackets--this was not the way my life was supposed to end up.

U. Ultraviolet would be the way he would describe her hair. He knew it didn't make sense--you can't see ultraviolet and you could see her hair, but yeah... you know.

V. "Very few people pass. In fact, so few people pass, we don't actually have a protocol for what to do now."

W. "Way down upon the Swanee River" is the song I always sing in my head when I go to visit the house where my cousin once lived before he jumped off a bridge into a lake to kill himself. I do not think that's an example of irony.

X. Xenophobic, cunt-licking bastards. Where was Reverend Jesse fucking Jackson when you needed him?

Y. "If you went there, you'd probably never make it back," she had said, with a squint in her right eye that he often mistook as a subtle, sexual advance, but as she popped her chewing gum he snapped out of it and remembered that Michelle must've been the dumbest bitch he knew.

Z. Zoos are not as safe as they say. If you spent more time in Zoos, you'd know that.