Kill Me

It's racism. That's what I wanted to write about. Okay, so there's a lot of really annoying little things in my life. And what's perhaps most infuriating is that they're all fucking social issues. WHICH IS SO FUCKING FUCKED UP. I'm pretty sure the answer to most of my problems will be something like this:

I am a robot with mild asperger's syndrome.

SURPRISE! Anyway, social issues suck. Especially when they're racism. And especially when you're black. I don't like to think of myself as uppity. I am definitely sensitive. But I'm not as uppity about my race as homophobes are about their sexuality. SO WIN FOR ME. Or is that a stereotype? Who knows. All I know is it's great to watch people defend their heterosexuality for NO. APPARENT. REASON. Ridiculous. I couldn't care less if you were even a person. And I'm serious. For all I know, I'm the only person who actually exists. Or maybe I'm only the only robot. Okay, wait a second, this is clearly a rant. But it feels good to rant when you've been throwing yourself against the walls of your consciousness with theories of insidious racism that insure that you will always fail. And I mean always. Does it not matter that I am smart? Will I always question that just because I'm not white? Am I different because I'm not white? Hell, black or white, I'm still a robot. But that bothers me. Not that I'm a robot. I'm probably not a robot. But are there differences between me and white people that are so inconspicuous, yet divisive, that I will constantly fail?

Okay, well what if I could just forget that I was black? Then I'd just look at things not as ever continuing trends (like, for example, why short, meek, and stout white girls are somehow a hot commodity, and I am literally a 9 who is 5'10'' and only 160 pounds but am somehow always single?) and consider painful incidences just as what they probably actually are: fate. Random happenings that just happen and it's unfortunate that that's what's up, but sometimes life just sucks. And it should feel like life just sucks and not that there's some more evil social reasons behind this. I mean, it's not like everything bad in my life is caused by racism (like why that fucking white idiot in my physics class clearly is about as "bright" as a burnt bulb, and as daft as science majors at Colgate should be allowed to be, but yet manages to get awarded Colgate's top academic prize?), right?

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this system is fucked up. I don't know. I've been reading two papers about female physicians. And it's making me think about being black. I think it's harder to be black right now than to be a woman, if only because, as a woman, you share something in common with the majority of people living on the planet. Being black makes me similar in some way to only 10% of the world's population. But anyway, the first paper I read was very encouraging. Stereotypes and  biases cannot exist! Especially not in medicine! "The different needs of women for support groups reflect the persistent gap between reason and reality, for lingering tails of tradition prevent the attainment of true liberation for all."

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THERE ARE THINGS BEYOND MY CONTROL HOLDING ME BACK. I'm not a perfect human being. I wake up every day hoping I don't make anymore of the same mistakes that literally haunt me but I don't always know if I'll be able to avoid them. But I don't cry about these things. I feel god awful about them. I don't want to keep being a sucky human being. But I know I'll get better. I'm getting older and I'm definitely learning, albeit slowly.

What makes me cry is thinking that there won't be any change whatsoever. That I can apply myself and still fail. And that this cycle will happen again and again. That's what makes me cry until I can't speak the next day. And the sad thing is, that last sentence is true.

No, but what is really sad is, I know racism isn't that bad. I know it's not. But why, then, is it always the logical answer for situations I can't explain?