The End

Are you ever so afraid of what you might do that you give up? I am about to do that right now. Because I can't trust myself. I wonder If I ever will be able to. I don't care. I am getting better. Things used to be worse. Things used to be unbearable. That one time when I drank myself to sleep. Except it wasn't to sleep. It was to vomit, into the bathroom sink. That was unbearable.

Why am I afraid?

I have not done anything wrong.

But I am thinking about doing things that may not be "acceptable." 

And even though I never would, I am the type of person who sees "never" as a challenge. And "I never would" becomes "I probably should"--I commit an act, socially reprehensible--and  I can no longer stand to see myself anymore. I stop looking in mirrors when I brush my teeth. I can't stand to know myself anymore. I watch my favorite movies and I drink my way into the protagonist. I stop brushing my teeth. I lay in bed for three days. Time stops. Self loathing discolors the entire world. 

Don't send me back to that place. I can't. I can't. You don't understand.

In light of what could happen, giving up seems like a healthy alternative. Kill motivation. You'd never win anyway. I'd never win anyway. I never win anyway.

I am sure that there will come a day when these proactive decisions I make are no longer necessary. I am sure that eventually I will be surrounded by people who are as confused by how people operate as I am. 

Maybe they will listen to me. Maybe people will actually notice when I disappear for three days. 

They never will. No one ever notices.

Fuck being acceptable to a system that never accepted me anyway.

I'll still give up, though. You're welcome. See you never. 

And in a few weeks, all this chaos in my head will be buried out of my consciousness, never to be exhumed by me. But maybe you'll dig it up--I hope on accident; I hope you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. For a week you'll think that these feelings are grand and how could I have ever lived not like this? Colors will be brighter, words will be purer, life will be lovelier than you could have ever imagined. Have ever imagined. I hope you daydream until day's end, while night continues, equally stained by the smiles you always wanted and the notes you never had. I hope you keep laughing: warning others of what has happened here. I hope it drives you beyond polities; I hope it drives you mad.