It's been a long time since I've been awake this late and so intent on focusing. More than just focusing, actually succeeding in continual learning. I must have crossed an event horizon. Not helping my temporal expansion are two great fears that have been trailing me since childhood, making night time the worst time.
First, the fear that my life will always be this bleak because I can't learn like anyone else. I end up sounding smarter than I am. It fuels my ego to outwit people. I end up in situations where I don't belong. Honors math. Medical school?
Second, the fear that things have snuck into my house, my room, and that they will attack me as soon as I turn off all the lights. I have a lot of little hallucinations when I get this tired. I know that that's normal. My reactions are not supposed to be normal when I've been awake for twenty-two straight hours. What's not normal is how terrified I get by the thought that something unnatural may actually exist in my close proximity. I am a woman of science. My daydreams, night dreams, hallucinations, are not at all based in reality.
The last time I was awake at 4:23 in the morning, I was drunk. I was tired. I was useless.
No part of me wants to continue being useless.
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