Existentialism?

I finally know why I was so depressed last year. This makes me happy because 1) I no longer have to blame anyone and 2) it is something that effects others; I was not the only one in the history of man to suffer so poorly. It has a term. It is called: Terror management theory, the theory that humans will freak out when they finally become aware that one day, they will die.
So I could blame the kid who asked me, "What happens to us when we die?" or I could just believe that that depression could have struck at any time, and perhaps he did me a favor. I no longer think about death uncontrollably. It's really rather annoying, because you can never come to an exact conclusion. So I think of other things, more important things, like how good life can feel sometimes.

We read the stranger by camus in english this week. It deals with existentialism and absurdism. I can't say I really believe in them. Not because I'm religious, and not because I have a lot of hope for the human condition. It just doesn't... seem credible. And at the very least, existentialism wouldn't help humans reproduce better, so it's not an idea that would get passed down genetically. Maybe it's because I don't see the universe as random. I think that even the laws of physics speak against that. With the big bang everything was set in motion, like fate, that controls everything we do. I think people can believe in existentialism because they see others who can "control" their situation, and yet they feel utterly helpless. They see the world as random, because they can't understand it, and are frustrated with it. But there's something higher than us. Higher than everyone, for that matter. All humans have a certain amount of freedom, but it's not as though that can give us any sort of purpose. Humans can't be the only things that can give purpose to their surroundings.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I can see purpose in everything. Not me, as a human, seeing purpose in other things. But being able to see order in other things kind of gives me hope that there is some sort of higher "power" if you will, like fate... controlling everything. Like, what's up with the golden ratio? Why is it everywhere? It's like the universe is controlled to come up with these exact same things over and over again. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing, and I don't think we should be so self-consumed to say we are the only things that can give purpose to living, life, and everything.

Sure, existence may very well be everything. But I still don't see how we can say that we are the only ordered things in the entire universe. And I don't think things need to live to provide a certain order and purpose to other things.